Friday, March 5, 2004

The DGA Pop Quiz

Dave’s Great Adventure, Book 2
Special Continuing Education Edition
Pop Quiz
March 5, 2004

Alright class, put away all those detailed, copious, carefully printed out notes. Now’s the time to see if you’ve been paying attention. Yeah, you in the back...I know I didn’t announce that there would be a pop test. If I had, it wouldn’t be a pop test, now would it? Sit down! You have thirty minutes. Time starts now!

1.) The tube in my chest is:
a) Too big
b) Too small
c) Just right
d) The size of a Burger King soda straw
e) a and d

2.) The phrase “gang aft aglay” refers to:
a) Mutineers playing at the back of the ship.
b) German for “I went back to town.”
c) The Jets and the Sharks (you know, the West Side Story...remember?) are at it again.
d) The fact that the plans of both humanoids and murine species often go awry.

3.) When you hear “murine,” you think:
a) “Gets the red out!”
b) Somebody can’t say Marine correctly.
c) Ships and water
d) Of a small species of mammal whose plans gang aft aglay.

4.) Complete the sentence: “Omigod, that’s not _____________!
a) Ollie North
b) an Osterizer
c) an Optimizer
d) an Optiflow

5.) RSV stands for:
a) Respondez S’il Vous (Plait)
b) Really strong vermin!
c) Respiratory Something-or-other Virus
d) Revised Standard Version

6.) The things in life that we have always with us are:
a) Death
b) Taxes
c) Home Maintenance
d) Milk going bad in the fridge
e) Most of the above

7.) The chair junkyard is:
a) a place in Africa where old chairs go to die.
b) American Furniture Warehouse
c) where ever our youngest happens to live
d) a corner of our basement

8.) The essay “Death in the Open” by Lewis Thomas, MD, first appeared in:
a) Sniper Magazine
b) Guns and Ammo
c) The American Coroner Magazine
d) New England Journal of Medicine

9.) DGA stands for:
a) Damned Good Ale
b) Deaf Golf Association
c) Dave Gets Antibodies
d) Some guy’s Adventures With Leukemia

10.) RSV is usually found in:
a) murine species
b) young children
c) penguins
d) middle aged male doctors

11.) Robert Burns:
a) The Garbage In The Backyard Instead Of At The Dump!
b) works at RMCC
c) has RSV
d) was a Scottish poet who never learned to write in proper English

12.) Rituximab:
a) is slang for “The right Tuxedo, maybe” in parts of New York
b) Latin for “Two cheeseburgers to go.”
c) is in the lyrics of “Innagaddavida, baby”
d) is a murine monoclonal antibody, whatever that is!

13.) Doc Jamboz said to me, “Don’t cough when...”
a) I’m checking your prostate
b) I’m checking your hernia
c) I’m going for your jugular
d) you’re trying to pee or you'll get your pants wet!
e) all of the above at the same time

14.) El Tejado:
a) means “Red Tile Roof”
b) sells great cheeseburgers and fries
c) has wonderful chilaquiles
d) all of the above

15.) What’s the point...
a) the grass will just grow again!
b) my hair will still need to be cut again next month anyway
c) the laundry hamper will be full again in a week, won’t it?
d) all of the above

16.) Lewis Carroll was such a good writer because:
a) he got hit in the head with a large rock and suffered brain damage as a child
b) one pill made him larger, and one pill made him small, and the pills that mother gave him, didn’t do anything at all
c) Go ask Alice, when she was just small....
d) he had epilepsy and resultant hypergraphia, one presumes

17.) The person most to blame for this test is:
a) the boy who hit me in the head with a large rock when I was eight and caused my hypergraphia
b) the doc who put me on all those migraine medications and gave me hypergraphia
c) the doctor who delivered me and caused my birth injury, making me a manic depressive
d) Joan, who suggested I keep a journal of this adventure

18.) The condition known as hypergraphia:
a) refers to engineers who are always plotting X and Y on that funny lined paper
b) people who sign really big autographs
c) very large etchings done with an Etch-A-Sketch
d) a made-up medical condition describing people who write compulsively, so that other people will realize that I, I mean they, really have a problem and they really aren’t crazy, and people should treat them with sympathy instead of with disdain, because they can’t help it. And it was caused by that kid who hit me in the head with a big rock when I was just eight! It’s not my fault!

19.) The tube hanging out of my chest is:
a) a pain in the neck
b) a pain in the chest
c) a pain in the ass
d) all of the above

20.) Stem cells are:
a) small groups of Al Quaida members who are dyslexic baseball fans and spell “Mets” backwards, because they got hit in the head with a rock when they were eight years old!
b) amoeboid cells found in pipe stems that, when inhaled, cause hypergraphia
c) jails for bad stems
d) Big Momma blood cells that grow all the other blood cells

21.) Which famous philosopher asked the question, “Why does God cause things like tornadoes...and train wrecks?”
a) Immanuel Kant
b) Timothy Leary
c) Diogenes
d) Crash Test Dummies

22.) What is Mesna?
a) a bunch of smarty pants folks who think they’re smarter than the rest of us just ‘cause they’ve got high IQs
b) Mars Explorer Sends News Aloft
c) a drug to protect against the cytological grim reaper
d) an ingredient in Big Mac’s special sauce

23.) A Kaiserschnitt is:
a) a cold cut like a piece of bologna
b) a long roll for a sub sandwich
c)a German word for C-section
d) a bit of Kaiser excrement

24.) The warranty on our water heater was:
a) 20 years
b) 12 years
c) 16 years
d) six months less than the time it took to rust out

25.) The City Grille:
a) has burgers with guacamole-picante-cilantro blue cheese spread
b) is well-known for its gorgonzola wine cheese sauce
c) is in “The City”
d) has plain ole burgers
e) c and d

26.) Health is:
a) the absence of disease
b) a good thing
c) merely the slowest possible way that one can die
d) all the above

27.) Cytoxan side-effects include all except:
a) pancytopenia
b) hemorrhagic cystitis
c) alopecia
d) an intense itching in the armpits which really tickles when you try to wash there in the morning

28.) “We are too soon old, and too late _______:”
a) wealthy
b) wise
c) wrinkled
d) pregnant

29.) The tube hanging out of my chest looks like a(n) inverted:
a) Y
b) M
c) C
d) A
e) they have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys ....

30.) More than anything else, I hate:
a) having my back scratched
b) eating frozen custard at the place called CJ’s
c) vomiting
d) holding Kathy’s hand

EXTRA CREDIT: Without looking at your notes, or doing a Google search, correctly spell what RSV stands for:___________ .

Now, I have applied to The Health Institute Science Inquiry Service for Certifying Really Awful Posttests and I’m proud to say that THIS IS CRAP has certified the DGA series for 3 minutes and 16 seconds of Continuing Medical Education, or 0.05 units of Continuing Nursing Education. It has also been approved for 4 seconds of Continuing Legal Education. If you are an engineer, professor, hooker, journalist, teacher, real estate agent, do nails for a living or you run a B&B, apply to your local licensing board for approval for your continuing education. All costs are completely tax deductible, if you (please) send me any money.

This will be a self-graded exercise (because I trust you all).

1) e 6) e 11) d 16) d 21) d 26) d
2) d 7) d 12) d 17) d 22) c 27) d
3) d 8) d 13) c 18) d 23) c 28) b
4) d 9) d 14) d 19) d 24) d 29) a
5) c 10)b 15) d 20) d 25) d 30) c

Extra Credit Answer: Respiratory Syncytial Virus